today's mail

i opened my front door and looked around suspiciously. i probably looked like i was going to torch the place or something.

i started walking to the mailbox and almost got sick. not physically. emotionally.

see, supreme court and i new person! both had dreams last night about the missionary regarding the last letter i sent. i figured it was a sign.

she's kind of his cousin. and by kind of i mean she is.
she's also kind of one of my best friends.

so i walked over to the mailbox. opened it up with the key. and there, staring at me, was and ad for this.

"for a clean you will notice!"

.............

rather anti-climactic.

collage

my laptop is back in business!
my charger decided to take a permanent hiatus by sparking ferociously at me like an angry [electrical] animal and then just dying. in my hands.

and now the obviously cheap knock-off of a charger that i ordered on ebay is here! and i don't have to borrow my neighbor's charger. he's a saint. he's saved my life on more than one occasion.

here is a song that i'm mildly addicted to right now:

of course it's billy. you should not expect any less from me by now.

life is splendid.
i've been arting it up recently.
i arted it up today while watching titanic. [and maybe crying when they started playing nearer my god to thee]
it was good to be back.

also still waiting impatiently for a letter from le missionaire.
always. always always always have to bring him up.
and still praying.

always. always always always praying.

list of what is wrong

there was a time when this song was my anthem. not because every lyric seemed to be a page from my life, but because i loved the song. the fray is one of my many weak spots.

now this line keeps running through my head and seems especially poignant to me right now.

i pray to god he hears you. and i pray to god he hears you.

man, how i pray that he hears me. i've been praying with all my heart since the moment that letter left my hands at the post office.

signs

i'm in the middle of writing a potentially important letter to the missionary right now, and yes. my favorite song came on and this blog's namesake.

it was a nice reminder.

sometimes life can't be controlled.

to branticus:

all of us went and caught frogs in the pond behind your house. then we brought them inside and they were definitely scared of the cold, black surface they had been put on.

i miss those days. and i miss you, my platonic friend.

i almost called you the other day. i was upset really upset. the kind of upset that i always talked to you about. and whether you gave me good advice or not, at least you listened. and you'd give me a big, branticus hug, and although things wouldn't be okay necessarily, the words were out in the open. the words that were bothering me on the inside were tangibly out in space.

back to almost calling you: i didn't care that you were in mississippi on a mission. i was set on calling you anyway. i'm not your girlfriend. and i needed you to let me cry.

then i realized that i was being ridiculous.

hurrah for israel in mississippi. i guess a letter will have to do. just understand that a lot of crying is behind the words.

small letter to denver

to the person from the denver, colorado area who reads my blog:

i'd love to hear a comment from you! i know how many times you come back to my blog (sitemeter is wonderful) and i love that you do. so please! comment! if not. it's okay. i won't be offended.

that is all.

sincerely,
kayleigh

baked potatoes and temperature changes

i found myself wanting a letter today. not for the reasons that most people would think a girl would want a letter from a missionary. even a missionary that kissed her right before he left.

no, that ship has sailed. left the harbor many moons ago leaving nothing but settling waves.

mostly, i want a letter for my own selfish sense of closure. my own selfish sense of the past meeting the present, because i think that's all this letter will be for me. or maybe it will be a tender mercy...because despite my lack of attachment to said missionary, his letters do seem to come at the right moments in time.

and as i said earlier, it was a let it be kind of day.

Dear January,

even though you're almost over (thank goodness) please give me more days like today. the lovely weather was just what i needed as i studied in an alcove of the jfsb.

please tell february that i need a miracle (although i've been blessed with small miracles in my life) and that patience as that miracle would be more than welcome.

thanks for giving me some of the sweetest memories of my life (and also some of the most bitter and hardest to comprehend, but i won't hold that against you). please help me understand why you had to be so cruel to me at times. maybe february will have the patience to explain...

love, kayleigh