fear

life is scary.

it's steps off the sidewalk, hoping you won't trip. car rides hoping you won't crash. french tests you're hoping you won't fail. blog posts you're hoping people won't hate.

but sometimes it's scarier when you don't step off the sidewalk, don't get in the car, don't take the french test, or don't post on your blog just for the fear that you might trip, crash, fail, or offend.

because really, when it comes down to it: you're sure to trip, crash, fail, or offend by definitely not taking the risk.

that's what really makes life scary.

oh, how i love this movie.

"you okay?"
"terrified."
"why?"
"i've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming what i might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. what if it's not everything i dreamed it would be?"
"it will be."
"and what if it is? what do i do then?"
"well that's the good part i guess. you get to go find a new dream."

flannel

fall is finally here in the beehive state. i've been waiting somewhat anxiously for it to arrive.
[days of sweating up the stairs from hell were finally taking its toll.]

here's a secret that i didn't realize until today.

i love fall mornings.

i love mornings in general (another secret i didn't find out about until i began waking up before the sun to clean), but fall mornings have something extra. they remind me of maple syrup and the smell of apple cinnamon. they remind me of home which is where i am right now.

i sort of almost cried when i realized how beautiful the scene was from where i was sitting.
the light from our new front door ethereally floating on a picture of christ.
my pink socks.
scriptures on the table.
jacob reading huck finn on the worn out blue chair.
the jutting out of our coat closet from the wall.

home.

--------------------

we went to the temple last night as a family. that was a first. we had family names. also a first.

afterwards, we made a not-so-quick stop at the farr's ice cream place in clinton (the one across from the ogden temple was too busy. everyone in my family but me hates crowds. another secret i learned).

it was one of those ice cream places where you get charged by the ounce. it seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect (and after mom paid $30) we realized we didn't think that one through very well. we laughed.

the butter pecan custard with graham cracker crumbs my favorite, hot caramel, cookie dough, brownie bites, and cheesecake bites with a maraschino cherry on top was delightful.

jacob's, on the other hand, was disgusting.
he piled on every topping that looked desireable, which made for a not-so-good combination with his cookies and cream yogurt.
his fourteen-year-old self loved it.
we laughed. dad swore.

(lest we think this was a perfect family moment, i thought i'd add that. it was far from perfect. but it was my family. that's why it was real.)

(and, dare i say it, lovely.)

rays of sun

there are times when people talk to you and you just swallow every word. or gulp it. thirst after it as though you'd just run 39.5 minutes in 90 degree weather and you want water. you wish your mind could record things word for word like an old school vcr so you could go home and relive

everything said. everything implied. everything felt.

i wished that today. everything that was said and talked about i wanted to put in my pocket and keep it for the rest of my life and into the eternities.

understanding

the author and narrator of the book i'm reading asked her father a question. she was about ten. the father didn't respond initially, but asked her to carry a case full of spare parts for watches he owned a watch shop as they got off a train.

she couldn't lift it. "it's too heavy."

he replied:
"some knowledge is too heavy for children. when you are older and stronger you can bear it. for now you must trust me to carry it for you."

then she said:
"and i was satisfied. more than satisfied--wonderfully at peace. there were answers to this and all my hard questions--for now i was content to leave them in my father's keeping."

at this point in time of my 20th year, these paragraphs resonated with me. i believe this is how our Father responds to some of our requests. i know in my imperfect and narrow-persepctive existence, i become impatient and want to know all things. i want to know why trials happen. why i have to wonder.

but i think if we knew answers to the questions we had about our lives, then we wouldn't learn. the knowledge is maybe too heavy for us. God wants us to learn. He wants us to experience life, and grow, and become better people. we sometimes have to trust Him to carry the knowledge of the bigger picture of our lives until we are "old enough" and "stronger" through the trials we've gone through. that's how we gain faith.

then we can be satisfied. we can be at peace. as we work at that faith, we will be content to leave our "hard questions" to our Father's keeping. He knows. He always knows, and we just need to trust in his timing. He knows when we need to hear things, and when we need to learn the hard things. He knows when we're ready.

timing is everything. patience is needed. faith is essential.

Taking Chances

Branticus is coming home.

For those of you who read this blog, and for those of you who don't (heck, let's just put the news in the void of cyber space, I don't care) Branticus (a.k.a. Brant) has been one of my best friends since I was 15, and he is coming home from his mission again for health problems, poor kid. I just visited with his parents (my second family....but in a non-"This-is-my-missionary's-family-thus-it's-going-to-be-my-family-one-day-because-we're-going-to-get-married-and-have-lots-and-lots-of-babies" kind of way....strictly Platonic relationship between Brant and I....and for those of you who say, "Yeah, yeah...that's what they all say" well I actually mean it. Period.) and they fed me (of course) and told me how he'll probably be coming home. Bittersweet, really. It'll be nice to have him home, but sad that it has to be under these circumstances. But he'll get to meet Muslim! Tee hee hee.... *girly giggle and a smile*

So, there's a new man come into my life recently. A great man. A tall man, my favorite kind. :) He's a friend of mine from Creative Writing and he started catching up with me/waiting behind for me after class around the end of October, then he took me to the roof of the SWKT, then we carpooled to our Creative Writing professor's house for a party, and the rest sort of became history...(you can't see me right now, but I'm smiling).

It's Christmas break right now, and I can definitely attest to the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I won't go into much detail, but I've found myself missing him increasingly since I last saw him Thursday, which may or may not be pathetic. I'm just scared, because I give my heart so willingly and trust so easily, and even a good guy like this one could back off. I don't know. Gotta take a leap of faith, I guess. What have I got to lose, right?